


We Are Buried In Broken Dreams

by ragnorfellintomyheart



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: A tiny bit of NSFW?, Alec loses control, Anger, Heartbreak, I'm Sorry, Lots of Crying, M/M, Self Harm, This is after 2x18, This is my first time writing proper angst, but i had to, just a tiny bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 06:22:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11708658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragnorfellintomyheart/pseuds/ragnorfellintomyheart
Summary: Set after 2x18.Magnus leaves and Alec can't contain his feelings anymore.





	We Are Buried In Broken Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little warning.   
> This does include things such as: self harm/violence, lots of angst and a tiny bit of NSFW. So please don't read if they're likely trigger warnings. 
> 
> I'm super emotional right now

The minutes after Magnus stepped into the elevator were a blur for Alec. He barely registered that he was standing in the hallway outside of the medic’s office, listening to those damned words leave the other man’s mouth before the metal doors closed and he was left alone, his throat feeling like he had swallowed a rock and his heart pounding harder than it ever had before. The words were going round in his head like a twisted song, filling the silence of the corridor with its deafening melody. _I love you too. I can’t have both. The only thing holding me back is you._

He wanted to scream, wanted so desperately to break as tears threatened to spill from Alec’s eyes as he felt himself lose control of his emotions, that up until now, been in a state of shock. It was all too much.

They had almost lost Max. That in itself was enough to push himself over the edge and now… now he had lost the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. The only thing that stopped him from fully letting his emotions overwhelm him and now that barrier was gone, leaving Alec feeling like he was drowning in his own feelings.

Somehow, he had forced himself to move and his feet stumbled round the corner as he tried to keep himself upright. He felt numb, like every part of his body no longer belonged to himself and he was an outside force pushing it to function against its will. Distantly, he thought he heard someone say his name but he didn’t stop to answer. He continued plowing forward one heavy footstep after another slowly as he moved towards the stairs.

The Institute was quiet, most of the Shadowhunters were out looking for Sebastian and Alec quietly thanked the Angel for it. He was their leader, everyone was relying on him and right now, when he should’ve been in charge of them, he was broken. What would his people think of him if they saw him in this state? They’d be disappointed. Ashamed. He’d be demoted and back to where he started. Alone, untrustworthy… depressed. Alec shook his head, feeling water run down his cheeks as the tears finally started to break from the corners of his eyes. The lump in his throat had grown by what felt like ten times its original size and a small whimper escaped passed his lips.

By the time Alec reached his bedroom, he was nothing short of a mess. Tears were streaming down his face, his skin soaked with them and after losing any control he had left, sobs raked through his body. His chest was heaving so hard it was painful and Alec couldn’t help but think that it was only distracting himself from the emotional pain. He closed the door, much louder than he had intended to and he winced at the sound as he slid down the wood before he hit the carpet, knees folded into his chest and arms wrapped around his body. It had been days since he’d last been in his room at the Institute and it felt almost unnatural to him, the room cold from misuse. And then finally, after holding it in for so long, he screamed.

It was a sound he had never made before and it ripped through his throat like sandpaper. It was raw and loud and ugly but he needed it so badly. So he screamed until his voice eventually gave in, reduced to a small croak and the pain in his throat was so bad he could barely stand it anymore. He pulled his knees closer into his body, his arms wrapping tightly around them and fingernails digging into the fabric so tight he could feel it on his skin. The pain was good, he thought to himself, it was distracting.

Slowly, the sadness began to leave his body and he stayed there against the door, body pulled together so tightly that it could be considered inhuman, small croaking sobs escaping from the torn remains of his throat and fingers digging into his knees just shy away from drawing blood. Alec could feel his lungs begin to regain a steady rhythm, his heart beating at a normal pace once more as the last of his pain seeped its way out. He loosened his grip on his knees, bringing his arm up to wipe away the last remaining tears from his eyes and he glanced around the room, taking in the emptiness of it. Alec had never been one for expressing himself at the Institute and his room had reflected that. The walls were a dull grey, bare of any posters or ornaments. The only furniture being a desk in one corner, a wardrobe filled with multitude of old sweaters and the bed near the one window.

The last time he had been in this room had been with Magnus. It had been after the first Downworlder alliance meeting and after words were muttered between each other as they said goodbye to their fellow cabinet members, it was clear they wouldn’t have made it back to Magnus’ apartment.

Magnus had pushed Alec against the door where he was sat now, not breaking their kiss as he hoisted the Shadowhunter up, wrapping Alec’s legs around his body. Alec hummed in approval, thighs tightening around Magnus’ waist, pressing against his target. Magnus groaned, a noise that came deep from his throat and he pulled away from Alec’s mouth, looking into those hazel eyes and smirking before bringing his lips to the deflect rune that he loved teasing. The second Alec felt lips connect with the sensitive skin, he moaned, his thighs tightening again as he pressed harder against Magnus, wanting to feel the friction he desired. Alec arched his neck, his head pressed against the door as he gave Magnus easier access to the rune. Fingers found themselves on buttons and Magnus helped shrug his shirt off before pulling them both away from the door. Alec gasped as he felt them both stumble back, Magnus never once breaking contact from Alec’s neck.

They fell down onto the bed, Alec sat on Magnus’ hips upright and he took less than five seconds to pull his own shirt off before twisting them so that Magnus was looking down at him, his golden cat eyes on full display. Alec grinned as he reached out to touch the other’s cheek, gently running his fingers across in a careful, affectionate manner as if reminding Magnus that he was beautiful, just like he had their first time, before pulling him down into another kiss. Want filled his mind, making everything seem hazed as he felt the heat from Magnus’ body against his own. The kiss was hot too, wet and passionate with it getting sloppier as they both lost control.

The whole night had been that way, messy and rushed as they let themselves get the release they had both needed. Despite it not being their first time having sex, it been a whole new experience for Alec as Magnus was normally careful, not wanting to rush into things too fast in case he upset or hurt the Shadowhunter. But this was lustful. It was fast and rough and Alec had loved it, had loved the man he had experienced it with even more than he had before.

And now it was over. Magnus was gone and Alec was never going to feel that again. The sadness was gone but a new emotion started to fill its way through his body, one that he was much more comfortable with. Rage. It creeped its way up his veins, his fists tightening against his sides as he stood up, eyes darting away from the bed in front of him. He reached out, grabbing the duvet as he pulled it off the bed, kicking it over and over as it hit the carpet. Then he grabbed the pillows, a small waft of perfume emitting from one of them and it sent an even bigger wave of anger pass through him. He ripped at the fabric, breaking it easily with his enhanced strength and feathers exploded across the room, settling on everything it could find.

Tears had begun to pool again, his vision turning blurry and the lump in his throat reappeared, only frustrating him further. He moves over to the wardrobe, ripping out every single item of clothing that he had worn around Magnus, which was all of them and included a pair of jeans the warlock had bought for him after a demon attack had ruined the pair he had been wearing. Everything smelled faintly of that perfume and it made him feel sick as the scent hit him. He should’ve known better than to listen to someone he’d barely known. Should’ve stuck to his parents plan and married Lydia. If only he had pushed his feelings aside, like he had for so many years before, he wouldn’t be feeling so crushed. So helpless.   
Alec moved to the desk, closing his eyes as he picked up an item, not wanting to see what it was as he threw it across the room, the sound of shattered glass sounding from behind him. He continued picking up the items, throwing them in different directions and listening to the different sounds they’d make. It was only once he had run out of things on the desk that he opened his eyes, taking in the chaos that was now in front of him. Alec sunk to his knees, burying his face in his hands as he sobbed, tears falling again like a waterfall. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a photo frame, the glass cracked but the picture inside still visible.

It was Tokyo, the night that Alec had bought the omamori charm. They had gone up to a palace that overlooked the entire city and Magnus had pulled him close, forcing him into a dance despite the lack of music. They had kissed and Alec wasn’t aware that Magnus had taken a picture until he saw it on his phone a few days later. He had it printed and there it sat, on the floor, a mess of broken glass and frame. Alec reached over and picked it up, gripping onto the frame tightly as he stared at the photo inside. He closed his eyes again, holding it close to his chest, not worrying as the broken glass dug into his hands. _We always find our way to back to one another._ But not this time. No, not this time.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr: ragnorfellintomyheart


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